i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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