You're my little dorito
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
