Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
P.S. I can't hear my feet
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize
