The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
