So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
