i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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