His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
