Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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