Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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