my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
