I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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