My liver just broke up with me...
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
