There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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