Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
