just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
