you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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