Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
