Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
