we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
