I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
