I like to think it a success when the cops are called
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
