yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
