The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
