tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
