a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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