wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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