as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
