So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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