Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Randomize
