I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
