I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
