Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
