Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
