So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
