my mouth tastes like poor choices
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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