I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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