So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
