Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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