Small penises have feelings too.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
