hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
