There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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