fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
