Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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