my being single is dangerous.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
