Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
