I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
