why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
