There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
