don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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