the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
