sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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